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Such a long day. Research is going a little bit slower than anticipated. Dreams are funky as of late. I think I'm ready for some old fashion r & r. Worked on my novel today trying to move past the block in my way. Didn't write as much as I wanted to. I've lost my appetite for food again. I even licked his blood. I tried to make it look like I was having fun but in reality it was a rush. I even told myself that I would never do it. I guess that makes me a weak liar. Sunlight still fucking with me. I got a new batch of welts that hurts as bad as the first batch. I just don't feel like myself anymore so I've been trying to keep as busy as I can. I frantically started cleaning today because everything smelled like garbage and made me want to hurl. I think I'm going to lie down, maybe rest will do me some good.

Why? Just why?

You want my attention? Don't lure me with lies and games! You want my fucking attention try being honest with me. May the chips fall as they may. Which means if I catch you lying or playing games with me I will exact revenge on you. I will because I have accepted the monster inside of me. I know what I'm capable of, you don't. Don't be a fool. Don't think you can keep tabs on me by talking to me under a different profile. You can't hide your vibe from me. Just come out and talk to me, plain and simple. Sometimes you may think your doing me a favor and your heart could be in the right place, but sometimes the lines get blurred. I'm only saying this because I know you read my journal, you know I'm talking to you. Lets not be fools. Lets try being honest for once in our cursed lives.

Things aren't really the same for me anymore. I'm faced with a change that I'm not sure I'm strong enough for. Maybe fate will untwist enough so I can come out stronger. Nice thing about this stupid city plenty of things I can use to research more on what I'm going through. I'm so exhausted more than I have ever been in my life.

What. The. Fuck. Is.going. On

with. Me?

Is it just my untrusting nature to doubt the validity of the new profile? I don't know maybe I have been in isolation for too long. This person seems fake, or maybe just a clever ruse of someone in my past. Do I say something or just play along faking naivety?

Stupid heart. Why does it keep beating like that? There is no one in my life for my heart to beat to anymore. It's driving me crazy. Sigh.



I had a number call me today, I almost recognized it. Almost. From that area there should be no one calling me. I know one person there, we aren't friends anymore and every time I talk to him lately I keep picturing ripping out his throat. Literally. He doesn't know or even understand what I am going thru. It's better if he remains in his own world.



Today I was lucky enough to make it out in the sun without it bothering me too bad. I hate sunglasses. I don't like the feeling on my face. That and anyone who wears sunglasses inside are automatically labeled druggies. Another hassle I can do without. Not that I do drugs, I would prefer my eyes hurting. My eyes scared a customer, something else I have to work on.



No real dreams. I didn't sleep well or long enough. Nothing else is new to be honest.

I have begged , bartered , and stole years off my life. It might seem like my life is insignificant to others but its still my life. It used to be I didn't cherish my life and foolishly tried to end it. Does that make me a bad person? Not really it just means for a while I had nothing to live for and I couldn't escape the darkness that wrapped tightly around my soul. I'm doing my best to not end up where I was before. As for your snide message to me I could care less what you think about me. Your opinions don't have any importance to me. I don't care if you want to look down on me. I'm sure your closest has skeletons too. Be thankful you caught me on a good day.

Fall shall be here soon. I'm excited for it. As the leaves change I feel the most alive.i get a strange feeling standing under a tree with red falling leaves. I always picture myself wearing a dark green old fashioned gown. Perhaps its only a fragment of a memory, or a picture from my imagination.



I've been working a lot here lately. I'm handling it ok I suppose. Work never did bother me. At a very young age my step dad drilled it into my head that the only way for survival is to work. Back then he made it sound apocalyptic.



I woke up today after a disturbing dream. Why you keep asking me to come with you in the dreams is beyond me. You have tormented my mind for almost 18 years and I'm still not any closer to finding you. A witch once offers to take my dreams away, but I refused. It's frustrating to say the least. Dreams are fine for awhile but things eventually turn bleak. I just wish for some actual answers. A real conversation.



I got hungry today, like really hungry. I ended up eating a whole slab of raw liver. (gag). It must have done the trick because I am not hungry anymore. I'm a little queasy but that's to be expected I suppose.



I went outside to get my mail and it literally felt like my eyes were on fire. I even wore sunglasses to work.



My heart keeps racing. It used to race for Mr. N and Mr. X but now neither of them is in my life , I can't figure out why its racing now. Should I be excited or fearful? I really don't know.



I branched out and started talking to someone new. I feel like my conversations are a little bit rehearsed. I'm not sure I really know how to be a friend again. Anytime I have gotten close to anyone bad things happen. Either to me or to them. I feel awkward to say the least. It's been many years when I went into isolation. Now things are so wonky I am not really sure what to say or do.



I'll write more later. Right now my eyes hurt and I still have many hours left of my shift.